I had a bit of an epiphany yesterday, which has clarified everything I’ve been feeling for the last month. As mentioned over the last few SFMW posts, I haven’t been feeling quite myself lately, but I just chalked it up to the frigid temperatures (hello seasonal affective disorder!) and getting over the flu (I am definitely guilty of the “man cold” when I’m sick).
I mentioned a few weeks ago that my mission for 2018 was to slow down, to respect time, and to make space for a whole lot more fun. And while I’ve been very good at slowing down (thanks to the aforementioned flu), I wasn’t fully anticipating the anxious feelings that would come along with it.
I finally realized that, since launching my business, I’ve spent the last three and a half years of my life thinking that busyness = success; and I’m certain I’m not alone. I’ve somehow convinced myself that if I’m constantly on the go, constantly feeling overwhelmed and behind on all of my to-do’s, that I’ve somehow made it. In addition to jam packing my schedule to the point of total burnout, my belief system also served as a defence mechanism. In other words, I’ve convinced myself that if everything fell apart in the end, and I fell flat on my ass when all was said and done, there would be no room for what ifs because I literally did everything in my power to hustle as hard as I could.
Coming down with the flu has forced me to say no to a lot of projects and opportunities – because they weren’t physically possible at the time. And now that I’m more or less on the other side of things, I’m left with a very manageable workload, and a whole lot more free time. I’ve been feeling incredibly guilty for weeks now for saying no. For slowing down. For being able to make dinner with my fiancé each evening, in lieu of shoving takeout into our faces before bed. Which, funnily enough, is exactly what I planned for this year from the beginning. Exactly what I want for my life going forward.
This epiphany has literally changed everything. I am by no means over my anxieties about having a regular 40 hour work week, but I do believe that all of this is happening for a reason – and am going to actively work towards embracing this new phase of life.
If you, too, are struggling lately, please know that you’re not alone and I’m happy to lend an ear if you ever need to chat. In the meantime, let’s all give ourselves grace and kindness, and trust that the universe has our best interest at heart, and will give us what we need, exactly when we need it. As always, here’s a peek at some of the lovelier moments from my week.
ps – they would make an awesome gift
this is my go-to cookie recipe
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